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1996-2016 khanada rhodes

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25 february, 1997.
i'm disgusted with warren and his manipulating ways. i've just found out that his ego truly knows no bounds: i've just gotten word that warren is teaming up with industrial light and magic to produce save a prayer special edition. using the same techniques used to insert jabba the hut into star wars, warren will be removing john from the video and inserting himself (andy will be replaced with an animatronic donkey, or ass if you will, and roger will be replaced by a coffee table). the new video features nick and warren on the back of an elephant (i'm sure we're all familiar with the original scene) plus a big flashing neon sign that reads "tv mania is neato." rumour has it that similar treatments are in the works for all duran videos.
as if that weren't enough, shirtless italian muscle men wearing nail polish are being dispatched all around the world as we speak. their mission is to confiscate all existing copies of the old videos in an effort to wipe clean the memory of the old band from the world's collective memory.
"but that's monstrous!"
"yes, isn't it?"
as for john boy, when i said he didn't believe in duran, i literally meant it. apparently he now believes that the entire duran thing was all a hallucinatory episode brought on by eating a bad bit of fish. he's chalked the whole thing up to a fever dream, frilly shirts and all (although apparently he still has nightmares about the my own way video).

5 february, 1997
okay people, we have the inside scoop now. the following conversation was overheard by a fly.
**** begin transmission ****
nick: damn it simon, we have to put this album out before the millennium, or our fans will kill us.
simon: i *know* nick, but i'm just so bummed since seaquest dsv was cancelled, i can't find any lyrical inspiration anywhere.
warren: simon, me and nick have written 742 songs for duran in the last month, 86 for tv mania and a dozen for debbie. if we can be *this* inspired surely you can come up with a few nonsensical lyrics!
john: why don't you try recycling, nobody will notice. something like "glistening trees, and glands and lipstick cherry" you know, all that crap you used to fling off without effort. i tell ya, charlie, ever since you started wearing rubber pants, your muse seems to have shrivelled up along with your sperm. face it, it's been months since the old ball and chain popped out another simon brat.
simon: crap? CRAP?!?! oh this coming from mister; "i am sad, i am sad, i am sad and i want my dad" puh-leez, maybe you should try stealing from dr. seuss next time, maybe then somebody will buy your album.
john: well at least i never penned the line: "my head is full of chopstick, i don't like it."  we have been getting bad press  since 1984 because of that line.
simon: i was stuck for lyrics then too, and you bastards were rushing me. i was eating chinese food at the time, so it just sort of popped out.
warren: yeah, wasn't that when your pants used to split regularly on stage because you were a little out of shape.
simon: oh piss off! you nature loving, shaven chested yank!
nick: will you bitches stop fighting!!! wait a minute that's it! fighting, yes, i see it now. we have a fight and one of us decides to quit the band! it hits the media, our fans become suicidal wrecks. then we say we have to put some final touches on the album and given the departure of a member, the album will be a little later then expected!
warren: well if you ever saw that tiger-list on the web, you would know that most of our fans are expecting medazzaland in time for their retirement parties. no one believes it's coming out in march anyway, since it was due out in march of 1995.
simon: no warren, nick is right. (aside: *it's about time he had an idea that didn't involve his hair*) the fans will be too devastated to notice the album has been delayed again.
nick: the icing on the cake is this: just when the fans are standing outside our houses with torches, ready to kill us, we announce that we have reconciled with the member who quit, the album will be out in a month and we will tour!!!
warren: you're brilliant nick! that should buy charlie another 12 months to finish his damn lyrics. also, the member who quit the band, by rejoining, will make the fans so happy that they won't care how long the album is delayed. in the meantime we can go right some songs for the reunited musical youth.
john: well who's the lucky bastard who gets hated by everyone?
**** end transmission ****
it is at this point, that the fly was shooed out the window, and no more of the conversation was overheard.



now here's some from other lists...i'm not the authors of these either but damnit they're funny! they're outdated (even when they were posted) but who cares? humour never dies.

30 july, 2001
    101 (well, not exactly) reasons warren finally ditched the "f****** piece" and went bald.
1. *grunt* "head shiny like guitar." *grunt*
2. nick won't gripe about his side of the stage being too dark anymore, the reflected light from warren's skull should take care of that in a jif.
3. no more worries about accidents when slathering nair on his pecs.
4. chicks dig bald guys.
5. going bald makes his whole body look like a penis.
6. did we mention chicks dig bald guys? they like to stroke their
heads.
7. and everyone knows warren likes his head stroked.
8. hehehehe hehehehe hehehehe, you said "head"
9. secretly, he idolizes patrick stewart.
10. secretly, he idolizes kojak.
11. secretly, he idolizes nick.
12. since he started eating meat and drinking alcohol, he figured he could keep his "mr. clean" rep intact by looking the part.
13. wants to see if he can use one of those facial exercise videotapes to rip the muscles in his skull.
14. besides, the leather fetish skullcap wouldn't stay on with hair.
15. nick needed the "f****** piece" to supplement his own " f****** piece".
16. tired of being the oldest in the band but looking the youngest.
17. keeps the cat outside, so it was the only other way to ensure there's no hair shed into delilah.
18. his black fur vest had a hole in it and needed patched.
19. decided to use the rug as a rug.
20. due to lacklustre sales of medazzaland, couldn't afford top-of-the-line weaves any longer.
21. the "f****** piece" fell off while he was doing dishes and got eaten by the disposal.
22. woke up in the middle of the night with the munchies and mistook the "f****** piece" for sprouts. ate on midnight salad snack while playing naked sitar in the dark.
23. two words:  cat toy.
24. the only plugs he wants to deal with involve amplifiers.
25. get your minds out of the gutter.
26. duran's history of ostracism kept him from getting a membership in the hair club for pop stars.
27. spends too much money on guitars and porn to buy the hair club for pop stars and appoint himself president.
28. went to shave other parts and got a little carried away.
29. spotted a grey hair that needed plucked and got a little carried away.
30. watched too many games of footie and got a little carried away.
31. cat got in the house, and the "f****** piece" got carried away.
32. felt like scaring clueless fans: "i'm built, i'm bald, *now* do you realise i'm not andy?"
33. nick told him having hair on his head ruined the effect.
34. fan snuck into privacy and stole it.
35. "i'm not bald, it's just the solar panel for my sex machine."
36. visited by the ghost of christmas present and...wait, wrong duran.
37. er....well...ex-duran.
38. hey, did you hear, duran duran's got this new guitarist guy named warren *sound of cyndi wailing in pain*
39. garden wasn't doing so well, decided to watch hair grow instead.
40. gets a real kick out of stubble.
41. wanted fans to respect him for his music, not his body.
42. no, wait a minute: wanted fans to respect him for his body, not his hair.
43. really just wants to do anything possible to draw attention to his six-pack.
44. forget "g" magazine, aspires to be featured on www.baldguy.com.
45. he's not bald, it's just that he likes to wear shoes that make him taller than his hair.
46. "anyone can grow hair, it takes a real man to wear it out."
47. wanted to refocus those growth hormones into other hormonal pursuits.
48. …like the "can of corn"
49. tired of having hat hair. now he can wear all the hiddy hats he wants without looking like he's channelling john.
50. "f****** piece" kept falling in his eyes and he couldn't see his "can of corn" while he was putting it through its daily exercises (honey, *nothing* gets that big without a workout).
51. and what a workout that must be. no wonder he's so into weightlifting.
52. how much can that thing lift, anyhow?
53. forget that, how much does that thing weigh?
54. oh, right...this is about the head up top not the head down below.
55. um…
56. um…
57. couldn't lose that last ounce of excess weight any other way.
58. donated it to "locks for love" before discovering it wasn't a padlock fetish group.
59. needed brillo pad to scrub dishes with.
60. needed a new loofah and figured, "what the heck?"
61. secretly idolizes uncle fester.
62. can now use head for roll on dispenser.
63. now that nick and simon are dressing badly, there is nothing else to separate him from the pack. must shave head for reasons of distinction.
64. the crabs had migrated.

30 july, 2001
    101 things that will happen before medazzaland is released.
    (okay, so this thing is outdated. but it's funny how many of these happened!)
1. cold fusion.
2. tallulah graduates college.
3. world peace.
4. amanda will win an oscar.
5. amanda and julie-anne release their first book: how to sleep your way to mediocrity.
6. nick's hair returns to its natural colour.
7. they'll find the cure for aids.
8. the duranlings will grow up and form duran duran 2.
9. warren will eat meat.
10. cyndi glass will quit printing privacy because warren will no longer need the publicity.
11. john will shower voluntarily.
12. simon will be faithful to yasmin.
13. any current duran member will make a boy.
14. roger's band goes to #1.
15. andy will pay off his debt.
16. the duck!ers will live in the same damned state!
17. mulder and scully will do the 8 legged wild thang.
18. warren will wear clothing regularly.
19. steve jones will apologise.
20. simon will remember what nupl stands for. (this was a mystery autograph simon gave once. when later asked, of course, he didn't know what it meant.)
21. john will remember.
22. katy will attend a durannie convention.
23. there becomes an independent democracy.
24. a umf author will win a pulitzer.
25. the budget will be balanced.
26. andy and warren will do a side project together.
27. jupiter will be colonized.
28. simon will shut up and sit still without anesthetic.
29. duck! will host the annual comedy awards.
30. tv mania hits broadway and outsells "cats."
31. nick does a side project with jonesie.
32. simon will go 24 hours without injury.
33. nick will write his own language. we'll understand it.
34. duran will get credit.
35. pigs will fly and monkeys will come out my butt.
36. simon dances with co-ordination.
37. nick will finish saying supercalifragilisticxpalidocious.
38. john will spell his first name correctly.
39. warren will give up masturbation and the guitar.
40. nick and howard stern will start their own radio show.
41. a lot of people in hell will need to wear parkas.
42. john becomes james bond.
43. nick becomes male.
44. warren becomes pope.
45. amanda will return john's spine.
46. nick will return the merchandise.
47. "hold back the rain" will finally be mixed to nick's satisfaction.
48. the rum runner will be rebuilt.
49. john will match.
50. arena will make sense without chemical assistance.
51. fagaol will be distributed.
52. photographic proof of there will be found.
53. crapitol will promote liberty.
54. crapitol will promote anything!
55. live aid 10.
56. dick clark ages.
57. mtv acknowledges the debt it owes dd.
58. mtv plays an actual video!
59. nick uses two fingers.
60. it will be proven that drum was all just a hoax for simon to pick up chicks.
61. the durannies will get lives.
62. duran will be cloned and the clones will finish their own album.
63. culture club and spandau ballet will do a duran tribute album (how about tony hadley of spandau covering save a prayer -- freaked out eds.)
64. grace jones makes a living knitting toaster cozies.
65. pat boone covers " a view to a kill." (and the scary thing is, we came up with that one *before* he put out his covers album. creeped-out eds.)
66. rolling stone prints a retraction stating that simon's undies were actually yellow.
67. nick makes an 8 a.m. appointment and is on time.
68. simon sings on key.
69. john marries claire and completes the circle.
70. catholics will be raised guilt free.
71. nick becomes a large black man (for a visual, picture curtis pouting).
72. yasmin returns to her own planet.
73. warren wins mr. universe.
74. nick wins miss universe.
75. simon at long last finds a wristband.
76. john becomes the proud owner of the clue train.
77. birm speaks to john.
78. nick speaks to john.
79. john remembers who nick is.
80. simon writes lyrics. lyrics make sense.
81. warren finds nick's fast forward button.
82. nick develops an allergy to strawberries.
83. simon develops an allergy to nick.
84. nick understands computers.
85. mum le bon reveals the truth: simon's adopted!
86. nick decides make-up is contrived.
87. john does mrs. peacock in the lounge with the flashlight.
88. nick grows a beard.
89. warren guest stars on "the frugal gourmet."
90. simon revives the role of conan the barbarian.
91. an inch really *does* equal a mile!
92. nick finds the ultimate outfit in k-mart (for under $10.00).
93. yasmin gets pregnant, and simon doesn't shave his head.
94. durannie's grandchildren inherit the collections.
95. simon learns to rap.
96. the elusive wild hair will be plucked.
97. nick does anything remotely domesticated.
98. john becomes a surfing pro.
99. simon gets upgraded from a demi-god to full power.
100. nick changes the kitty litter.
101. it will be discovered that andy warhol is alive, but, strangely, nick rhodes died some time ago.