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with warren and his manipulating ways. i've just found out that his ego
truly knows no bounds: i've just gotten word that warren is teaming up
with industrial light and magic to produce save a prayer special
using the same techniques used to insert jabba the hut into star wars,
warren will be removing john from the video and inserting himself (andy
will be replaced with an animatronic donkey, or ass if you will, and
will be replaced by a coffee table). the new video features nick and
on the back of an elephant (i'm sure we're all familiar with the
scene) plus a big flashing neon sign that reads "tv mania is neato."
has it that similar treatments are in the works for all duran videos.
weren't enough, shirtless italian muscle men wearing nail polish are
dispatched all around the world as we speak. their mission is to
all existing copies of the old videos in an effort to wipe clean the
of the old band from the world's collective memory.
boy, when i said he didn't believe in duran, i literally meant it.
he now believes that the entire duran thing was all a hallucinatory
brought on by eating a bad bit of fish. he's chalked the whole thing up
to a fever dream, frilly shirts and all (although apparently he still
nightmares about the my own way video).
we have the inside scoop now. the following conversation was overheard
by a fly.
it simon, we have to put this album out before the millennium, or our
will kill us.
nick, but i'm just so bummed since seaquest dsv was cancelled, i can't
find any lyrical inspiration anywhere.
me and nick have written 742 songs for duran in the last month, 86 for
tv mania and a dozen for debbie. if we can be *this* inspired surely
can come up with a few nonsensical lyrics!
don't you try recycling, nobody will notice. something like "glistening
trees, and glands and lipstick cherry" you know, all that crap you used
to fling off without effort. i tell ya, charlie, ever since you started
wearing rubber pants, your muse seems to have shrivelled up along with
your sperm. face it, it's been months since the old ball and chain
out another simon brat.
CRAP?!?! oh this coming from mister; "i am sad, i am sad, i am sad and
i want my dad" puh-leez, maybe you should try stealing from dr. seuss
time, maybe then somebody will buy your album.
at least i never penned the line: "my head is full of chopstick, i
like it." we have been getting bad press since 1984 because
of that line.
stuck for lyrics then too, and you bastards were rushing me. i was
chinese food at the time, so it just sort of popped out.
wasn't that when your pants used to split regularly on stage because
were a little out of shape.
piss off! you nature loving, shaven chested yank!
you bitches stop fighting!!! wait a minute that's it! fighting, yes, i
see it now. we have a fight and one of us decides to quit the band! it
hits the media, our fans become suicidal wrecks. then we say we have to
put some final touches on the album and given the departure of a
the album will be a little later then expected!
if you ever saw that tiger-list on the web, you would know that most of
our fans are expecting medazzaland in time for their retirement
no one believes it's coming out in march anyway, since it was due out
march of 1995.
warren, nick is right. (aside: *it's about time he had an idea that
involve his hair*) the fans will be too devastated to notice the album
has been delayed again.
icing on the cake is this: just when the fans are standing outside our
houses with torches, ready to kill us, we announce that we have
with the member who quit, the album will be out in a month and we will
brilliant nick! that should buy charlie another 12 months to finish his
damn lyrics. also, the member who quit the band, by rejoining, will
the fans so happy that they won't care how long the album is delayed.
the meantime we can go right some songs for the reunited musical youth.
who's the lucky bastard who gets hated by everyone?
point, that the fly was shooed out the window, and no more of the
some from other lists...i'm not the authors of these either but damnit
they're funny! they're outdated (even when they were posted) but who
humour never dies.
101 (well, not exactly) reasons warren finally ditched the "f******
and went bald.
"head shiny like guitar." *grunt*
gripe about his side of the stage being too dark anymore, the reflected
light from warren's skull should take care of that in a jif.
worries about accidents when slathering nair on his pecs.
dig bald guys.
makes his whole body look like a penis.
mention chicks dig bald guys? they like to stroke their
knows warren likes his head stroked.
hehehehe hehehehe, you said "head"
he idolizes patrick stewart.
he idolizes kojak.
he idolizes nick.
he started eating meat and drinking alcohol, he figured he could keep
"mr. clean" rep intact by looking the part.
to see if he can use one of those facial exercise videotapes to rip the
muscles in his skull.
the leather fetish skullcap wouldn't stay on with hair.
the "f****** piece" to supplement his own " f****** piece".
of being the oldest in the band but looking the youngest.
the cat outside, so it was the only other way to ensure there's no hair
shed into delilah.
fur vest had a hole in it and needed patched.
to use the rug as a rug.
lacklustre sales of medazzaland, couldn't afford top-of-the-line weaves
piece" fell off while he was doing dishes and got eaten by the disposal.
in the middle of the night with the munchies and mistook the "f******
for sprouts. ate on midnight salad snack while playing naked sitar in
plugs he wants to deal with involve amplifiers.
minds out of the gutter.
history of ostracism kept him from getting a membership in the hair
for pop stars.
too much money on guitars and porn to buy the hair club for pop stars
appoint himself president.
shave other parts and got a little carried away.
a grey hair that needed plucked and got a little carried away.
too many games of footie and got a little carried away.
in the house, and the "f****** piece" got carried away.
scaring clueless fans: "i'm built, i'm bald, *now* do you realise i'm
him having hair on his head ruined the effect.
into privacy and stole it.
bald, it's just the solar panel for my sex machine."
by the ghost of christmas present and...wait, wrong duran.
you hear, duran duran's got this new guitarist guy named warren *sound
of cyndi wailing in pain*
wasn't doing so well, decided to watch hair grow instead.
real kick out of stubble.
fans to respect him for his music, not his body.
a minute: wanted fans to respect him for his body, not his hair.
just wants to do anything possible to draw attention to his six-pack.
"g" magazine, aspires to be featured on www.baldguy.com.
bald, it's just that he likes to wear shoes that make him taller than
can grow hair, it takes a real man to wear it out."
to refocus those growth hormones into other hormonal pursuits.
the "can of corn"
of having hat hair. now he can wear all the hiddy hats he wants without
looking like he's channelling john.
piece" kept falling in his eyes and he couldn't see his "can of corn"
he was putting it through its daily exercises (honey, *nothing* gets
big without a workout).
a workout that must be. no wonder he's so into weightlifting.
can that thing lift, anyhow?
that, how much does that thing weigh?
is about the head up top not the head down below.
lose that last ounce of excess weight any other way.
it to "locks for love" before discovering it wasn't a padlock fetish
brillo pad to scrub dishes with.
a new loofah and figured, "what the heck?"
idolizes uncle fester.
use head for roll on dispenser.
nick and simon are dressing badly, there is nothing else to separate
from the pack. must shave head for reasons of distinction.
101 things that will happen before medazzaland is released.
(okay, so this thing is outdated. but it's funny how many of these
will win an oscar.
and julie-anne release their first book: how to sleep your way to
hair returns to its natural colour.
find the cure for aids.
will grow up and form duran duran 2.
will eat meat.
glass will quit printing privacy because warren will no longer need the
will be faithful to yasmin.
duran member will make a boy.
band goes to #1.
pay off his debt.
will live in the same damned state!
and scully will do the 8 legged wild thang.
will wear clothing regularly.
jones will apologise.
will remember what nupl stands for. (this
was a mystery autograph simon gave once. when later asked, of course,
didn't know what it meant.)
attend a durannie convention.
becomes an independent democracy.
author will win a pulitzer.
will be balanced.
warren will do a side project together.
will be colonized.
will shut up and sit still without anesthetic.
will host the annual comedy awards.
hits broadway and outsells "cats."
a side project with jonesie.
will go 24 hours without injury.
write his own language. we'll understand it.
will get credit.
fly and monkeys will come out my butt.
dances with co-ordination.
finish saying supercalifragilisticxpalidocious.
spell his first name correctly.
will give up masturbation and the guitar.
howard stern will start their own radio show.
of people in hell will need to wear parkas.
will return john's spine.
return the merchandise.
back the rain" will finally be mixed to nick's satisfaction.
runner will be rebuilt.
will make sense without chemical assistance.
will be distributed.
proof of there will be found.
will promote liberty.
will promote anything!
the debt it owes dd.
an actual video!
be proven that drum was all just a hoax for simon to pick up chicks.
will get lives.
will be cloned and the clones will finish their own album.
club and spandau ballet will do a duran tribute album (how about tony
of spandau covering save a prayer -- freaked out eds.)
jones makes a living knitting toaster cozies.
covers " a view to a kill." (and the scary thing is, we came up with
one *before* he put out his covers album. creeped-out eds.)
stone prints a retraction stating that simon's undies were actually
an 8 a.m. appointment and is on time.
sings on key.
claire and completes the circle.
will be raised guilt free.
a large black man (for a visual, picture curtis pouting).
returns to her own planet.
wins mr. universe.
at long last finds a wristband.
the proud owner of the clue train.
who nick is.
writes lyrics. lyrics make sense.
finds nick's fast forward button.
an allergy to strawberries.
develops an allergy to nick.
bon reveals the truth: simon's adopted!
make-up is contrived.
mrs. peacock in the lounge with the flashlight.
guest stars on "the frugal gourmet."
revives the role of conan the barbarian.
really *does* equal a mile!
the ultimate outfit in k-mart (for under $10.00).
gets pregnant, and simon doesn't shave his head.
grandchildren inherit the collections.
learns to rap.
wild hair will be plucked.
anything remotely domesticated.
a surfing pro.
gets upgraded from a demi-god to full power.
changes the kitty litter.
be discovered that andy warhol is alive, but, strangely, nick rhodes
some time ago.